sometimes i think too much...

its been too long and for that i am truly sorry. but not really because i am pretty sure there are maybe 5 people that would read this...if that. so screw grammar and screw everything else...this is a mind vomit.
something that has been on my mind for a while was triggered the first time when my bus started going past a funeral home. its always gone past it but i had never noticed how busy it was before until a few weeks ago.
now im not sure if i just wasnt paying attention or if it really is that more people are dying.
good on the funeral home for more business.
anyway. it made me think...i dont know how to feel in relation to this funeral home!
sometimes there literally hundreds of people at a funeral at one time. this makes me happy because it means the person who has unfortunately passed on had many people who loved and cared about them and wanted to pay respects. it also makes me sad, because essentially that is how you are meant to feel at a funeral. that person is gone forever and now all these people are sad in one big room full of sad people. that makes me sad.

sometimes there are not as many people at a funeral. and it makes me wonder why. was this person not so liked? maybe they wernt from here. maybe most of the people they knew have already died. maybe it was their wish that it bbe a private affair for select family and friends. it makes me wonder if they are looking down at their funeral and are sad because not many people cared.

this all made me think about my funeral. morbid i know but hey i think what i like ok? shut it!
and i came to the conclusion that i dont really know what i want. i dont want a big room full of sad people. it seems kind of pretentious to assume people will be sad that im gone...a girl can only hope. anyway.. i would like more for my friends and family or anyone who feels the need to come and instead of be sad im gone, to sit around and celebrate the life ive had, hoping its been a full and good one. id like the people i left behind to enjoy good food and good music and be happy that at least i got to have a life.
i hope i lead the kind of life that people can reflect on my relationship with them and go hey! my life was at least a tiny bit brighter and better because i knew her.
i would much prefer to look down and see people having fun then sitting around crying. of course ill be a little pissed if people arnt sad that im not there anymore. but i have a tendency to feel my friends and families emotions with them, so when they hurt i do too. i dont want to be dead and still hurt ya know.
and anyway suck it coz ill be happy in a way better place than this hole.
:)